When I was out working with the Dreamer on Friday, I was a little worried about getting back late for my second date with the Linguist. We had originally planned to do dinner, a movie, and drinks afterwards, but when I found out I was going to be working that day we changed it to a movie and then dinner. In general, movies aren't a great date early in a relationship, but we were both really excited about seeing Kick-Ass.
Now, let me say that I enjoy a certain measure of PDA. I've dated guys who weren't comfortable kissing or sometimes even holding hands in public, but I think as long as you're not being obscene, it's sweet. The Linguist, though, makes even me look like a prude. While we were sitting in our seats waiting for the movie to start, he was turned completely sideways in his seat so he could look at me, and he was rubbing my arm and the back of my neck while we talked. It was sweet in a way, but come on man! I was trying to watch the previews!
We walked over to the restaurant after the movie, and when we got to our table, he actually pulled my chair out for me. Chivalrous? Yes. I'm not an angry feminist who gets upset about men opening doors for me, but it did give me a bit of pause. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Does he push the chair in when I sit down, or do I? Women aren't trained for these kinds of situations anymore! I think I need to get myself to etiquette school.
The whole time, the Linguist kept making rather overt hints that he wanted to be invited back to my place. The day before when I changed plans because of painting he joked that I would need a massage afterwards, and that he'd be happy to oblige. Saying it once was cute. Saying it again on the date made sense. But saying it 3 or 4 times throughout the night? It was getting to be a bit much.
After dinner we ended up going to a Barnes and Noble- again. Don't get me wrong, I love bookstores. But he continued on his crusade of inappropriate PDA when he started trying to make out standing in front of the sci-fi section. He really just didn't get the hint that I didn't want to make out in public! I was able to contain him enough to get back to my car, and I offered him a ride to his since it was starting to rain.
Apparently getting in the car with me was his cute to jump over the seat and jam his tongue down my throat.
Okay, that's not fair. He is a good kisser. But I felt like teenagers making out in the car, and I even told him so. He thought that was awesome, though. When he started inching his hands up my top, I insisted it was time to go. And again, he had to all but invite himself over to my house. This time he got a firm “no, I don't want that.” Hints- this man does not take them.
The next day, I got a text from the Linguist that he'd had a fun night, and that for our next one he could bring a movie over to my house. What the hell??? I've been known to invite myself over from time to time, but never with someone whose last name I don't even know. I didn't respond right away, and later he sent me another text that said, “or did you not want to see me again?”
That was it. I wrote back, “Chill. I just haven't had a chance to respond yet,” which seemed to really put him in his place. He apologized profusely, but it wasn't enough. I think the Linguist's run has ended. Now I just have to figure out how to tell him in a way that he gets on the first go.
Showing posts with label the Linguist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Linguist. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday pt 1.5- Relationship Negotiations
Normally I try to keep events in this blog in chronological order, but I think it's important to resolve the ones left at the end of my last post.
The Blues Man and I kept texting throughout the weekend, mostly back to flirting and discussing random topics. He had promised to tell his girlfriend about what had happened between us, though, and I wasn't going to let him forget it. He texted me Tuesday afternoon saying that he'd done it.
From what I could piece together from his texts, she was understandably not very happy about it. I got the impression that she was feeling betrayed, even though they'd ostensibly agreed before that they were allowed to date other people. But being given theoretical permission and acting upon it are two very different creatures.
In the end she told him that we could date, but not have sex.
A few minutes after that text, I got another one from him asking if he could call. I was in an office full of our classmates, so I had to step out to talk. He said he was still discussing things with his girlfriend, and she wanted to know what “dating” meant. I very eloquently explained that to me, dating is “hanging out and having fun and stuff.” “You know to her that's going to mean sex,” he pointed out.
“If she says we can't have sex, we won't have sex,” I assured him. “But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.” That's when I got on my polyamory soapbox.
I am all for guidelines of safety (e.g. no sex without a condom, no sex until you've both been tested, etc.). I even understand guidelines of comfort (e.g. I want to meet the other person, if you think things are getting serious between you and your Other Significant Other you have to tell me, if I have serious concerns about your OSO you have to give them honest consideration, etc.). What I don't understand are artificial limitations on what kinds of things can develop between two people. Those things can't be controlled.
So, let's look at examples.
Guy A, who you may recognize as the Linguist, is married and has 2 kids. He and his wife have an agreement that they can both date whoever they like. The only rule is that they are not allowed to date people who wish to break up their original relationship. If I started talking about him leaving his wife, for example, it is his responsibility to end things with me. That is totally fair, if you ask me.
Guy B, obviously the Blues Man, is in a long-term relationship with a woman. She agreed to allow him to date other people, but on the provision that he is not allowed to sleep with them. The reason she doesn't want him to sleep with anyone else is because she feels it would make that relationship as important to Guy B as his relationship with her is.
Now, Guy B's parameters are completely artificial. No rules can control what feelings develop between two people, and the decision to have sex should be made between the two of them as to its appropriateness and timing. I'm not saying the original partner shouldn't have some influence, but to have the complete decision-making power on this is absurd.
If you were an outside partner entering into a relationship with these men, which would you rather be in? The one where you're allowed to have an actual relationship that develops as it will, or the one where you have to constantly worry that you're breaking the rules set by his other partner? Or even worse, that the rules will change without you being able to have any input in them?
Now in this case, I'm really interested in dating the Blues Man. If I wasn't, I'd just say screw it, it's not worth it. I don't want to pretend that I'm fully okay with this, though, and I let him know it. If I have to operate within her rules to date him, I will. But this is definitely the exception for me, not the rule.
The Blues Man and I kept texting throughout the weekend, mostly back to flirting and discussing random topics. He had promised to tell his girlfriend about what had happened between us, though, and I wasn't going to let him forget it. He texted me Tuesday afternoon saying that he'd done it.
From what I could piece together from his texts, she was understandably not very happy about it. I got the impression that she was feeling betrayed, even though they'd ostensibly agreed before that they were allowed to date other people. But being given theoretical permission and acting upon it are two very different creatures.
In the end she told him that we could date, but not have sex.
A few minutes after that text, I got another one from him asking if he could call. I was in an office full of our classmates, so I had to step out to talk. He said he was still discussing things with his girlfriend, and she wanted to know what “dating” meant. I very eloquently explained that to me, dating is “hanging out and having fun and stuff.” “You know to her that's going to mean sex,” he pointed out.
“If she says we can't have sex, we won't have sex,” I assured him. “But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.” That's when I got on my polyamory soapbox.
I am all for guidelines of safety (e.g. no sex without a condom, no sex until you've both been tested, etc.). I even understand guidelines of comfort (e.g. I want to meet the other person, if you think things are getting serious between you and your Other Significant Other you have to tell me, if I have serious concerns about your OSO you have to give them honest consideration, etc.). What I don't understand are artificial limitations on what kinds of things can develop between two people. Those things can't be controlled.
So, let's look at examples.
Guy A, who you may recognize as the Linguist, is married and has 2 kids. He and his wife have an agreement that they can both date whoever they like. The only rule is that they are not allowed to date people who wish to break up their original relationship. If I started talking about him leaving his wife, for example, it is his responsibility to end things with me. That is totally fair, if you ask me.
Guy B, obviously the Blues Man, is in a long-term relationship with a woman. She agreed to allow him to date other people, but on the provision that he is not allowed to sleep with them. The reason she doesn't want him to sleep with anyone else is because she feels it would make that relationship as important to Guy B as his relationship with her is.
Now, Guy B's parameters are completely artificial. No rules can control what feelings develop between two people, and the decision to have sex should be made between the two of them as to its appropriateness and timing. I'm not saying the original partner shouldn't have some influence, but to have the complete decision-making power on this is absurd.
If you were an outside partner entering into a relationship with these men, which would you rather be in? The one where you're allowed to have an actual relationship that develops as it will, or the one where you have to constantly worry that you're breaking the rules set by his other partner? Or even worse, that the rules will change without you being able to have any input in them?
Now in this case, I'm really interested in dating the Blues Man. If I wasn't, I'd just say screw it, it's not worth it. I don't want to pretend that I'm fully okay with this, though, and I let him know it. If I have to operate within her rules to date him, I will. But this is definitely the exception for me, not the rule.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday- My Date with a Married Man
Thursday night was my first date with the Linguist. No, he's not a Cunning Linguist...or maybe he is, and I just don't know it yet. He was a translator with the Army, though, and he “speaks” an astounding number of computer programming languages, so it's a fitting title.
Now, the Linguist is a happily married father of two. No, he's not cheating on his wife. They have a polyamorous relationship, even though they're married. Before agreeing to go out with him, I asked what kind of rules or arrangement they have regarding their relationship. He told me that they don't really put rules on other relationships, which I like, but the main thing is that he doesn't date women who want him to leave his wife, and she doesn't date men who do the same. They are committed to each other, even though they have other relationships.
When the Linguist first messaged me on the dating site, I initially turned him down. He had sent such a well thought-out letter, though, that I didn't want to leave him hanging. Instead, I sent him a quick note thanking him for messaging me but saying that at almost 40, he's outside of my comfort zone. A few days later, though, I reconsidered. It's not so much that I thought he would be too old, but that the last couple relationships I've had with older guys didn't end well. Still, he seemed nice and funny, so I emailed him again saying I'd like to meet.
The Linguist lives south of the city, while I live in the northern part. It was very sweet when he offered to come up to my neighborhood to go out instead of acting put out that he would have to travel so far. He professed a love for Indian food in his profile, so we decided on a place that I'd gone a couple times before. It was really cute when he walked in and I was already seated at a table. He waved and grinned. When he got to the table I had to ask him, “what if you were just waving at some random person?” That's totally something that would happen to me.
Dinner went great. We had a few pauses in conversation, as can be expected on a first date, but they were never awkward or uncomfortable. He let me try a bite of his food, but I teased him that I wasn't going to let him have any of mine. He kept inching closer to me throughout the night, and by the time we were ready for the check, we were holding hands across the table.
After he paid the bill, he asked if I'd be interested in walking around the neighborhood. It's a great place to do that- lots of little shops and restaurants. We stopped by his car first to put his leftovers up, and when he turned around from putting them on the seat, he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close, and took my breath away with a passionate kiss.
Based on that, he probably is a cunning linguist.
We walked over to the bookstore holding hands. We are both book fiends, so it was fun walking around, giving each other recommendations and making fun of others. Apparently his tween-aged daughter is obsessed with Twilight (of course), and he read the books for her. How sweet is that? We both ended up buying a couple books, which is surprisingly restrained for me, including him getting one for his wife. That spawned a conversation about being married while polyamorous.
“Most of our friends don't get it,” he said. “They ask, 'you go on dates with other people? And you sometimes talk about your wife with them?' Of course I talk about my wife- she's a major part of my life!”
He also told me that his daughter is aware of their polyamory. “It's not a big deal to her. We didn't make a big thing of it, so she doesn't either.” I think that's a really cool way to go about it.
After the bookstore, he walked me back to my car. A goodbye kiss turned into a goodbye makeout session next to my car, and after several tries we finally stopped long enough for me to get in my car and go. We already have plans for another date in a couple weeks, after he gets back from a business trip. I'm definitely glad I took the chance and went out with him.
Now, the Linguist is a happily married father of two. No, he's not cheating on his wife. They have a polyamorous relationship, even though they're married. Before agreeing to go out with him, I asked what kind of rules or arrangement they have regarding their relationship. He told me that they don't really put rules on other relationships, which I like, but the main thing is that he doesn't date women who want him to leave his wife, and she doesn't date men who do the same. They are committed to each other, even though they have other relationships.
When the Linguist first messaged me on the dating site, I initially turned him down. He had sent such a well thought-out letter, though, that I didn't want to leave him hanging. Instead, I sent him a quick note thanking him for messaging me but saying that at almost 40, he's outside of my comfort zone. A few days later, though, I reconsidered. It's not so much that I thought he would be too old, but that the last couple relationships I've had with older guys didn't end well. Still, he seemed nice and funny, so I emailed him again saying I'd like to meet.
The Linguist lives south of the city, while I live in the northern part. It was very sweet when he offered to come up to my neighborhood to go out instead of acting put out that he would have to travel so far. He professed a love for Indian food in his profile, so we decided on a place that I'd gone a couple times before. It was really cute when he walked in and I was already seated at a table. He waved and grinned. When he got to the table I had to ask him, “what if you were just waving at some random person?” That's totally something that would happen to me.
Dinner went great. We had a few pauses in conversation, as can be expected on a first date, but they were never awkward or uncomfortable. He let me try a bite of his food, but I teased him that I wasn't going to let him have any of mine. He kept inching closer to me throughout the night, and by the time we were ready for the check, we were holding hands across the table.
After he paid the bill, he asked if I'd be interested in walking around the neighborhood. It's a great place to do that- lots of little shops and restaurants. We stopped by his car first to put his leftovers up, and when he turned around from putting them on the seat, he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close, and took my breath away with a passionate kiss.
Based on that, he probably is a cunning linguist.
We walked over to the bookstore holding hands. We are both book fiends, so it was fun walking around, giving each other recommendations and making fun of others. Apparently his tween-aged daughter is obsessed with Twilight (of course), and he read the books for her. How sweet is that? We both ended up buying a couple books, which is surprisingly restrained for me, including him getting one for his wife. That spawned a conversation about being married while polyamorous.
“Most of our friends don't get it,” he said. “They ask, 'you go on dates with other people? And you sometimes talk about your wife with them?' Of course I talk about my wife- she's a major part of my life!”
He also told me that his daughter is aware of their polyamory. “It's not a big deal to her. We didn't make a big thing of it, so she doesn't either.” I think that's a really cool way to go about it.
After the bookstore, he walked me back to my car. A goodbye kiss turned into a goodbye makeout session next to my car, and after several tries we finally stopped long enough for me to get in my car and go. We already have plans for another date in a couple weeks, after he gets back from a business trip. I'm definitely glad I took the chance and went out with him.
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