Saturday afternoon, one of my roommates was having a party to celebrate a big event in her life- her conversion to Judaism (Mazel Tov!!) She made sure to invite the Dreamer, since he's “her favorite.” He came over for the party and chatted with people for a while- I was very impressed with him, especially since he's usually shy around people he doesn't know. As things started to wind down, I asked if he would go to Ikea with me to buy furniture for my new office. He has a truck and big muscles- two vital ingredients in furniture shopping.
While on the way there, I brought up the topic of his first date with a new girl. This was also the first date he's gone on since we got together, so I was most interested in how he handled telling her about our dating situation. Much to my chagrin, he hadn't.
“Did you tell her you had a girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Did you at least tell her you are seeing someone?”
“No.”
I sat in a rather stony silence for a few minutes, before pointing out the obvious- “you have to tell her.”
“I will,” he assured me, “I just have to figure out how to do it.”
I tried not to freak out. After all, this is a new situation for him. In general, non-poly people try to hide the fact that they're in another relationship when they're dating someone, not be open and upfront about it. But as I ranted about in my post when I was the other woman with the Blues Man, it is absolutely vital to me that everyone know what is going on; a poly relationship (or any relationship, really) can't survive without open communication and honesty.
When I simmered down a bit from the initial shock, I asked him, “do you generally refer to me as your girlfriend when you're talking to people?”
“No,” he admitted.
“So what do you say?”
“Usually just the hot chick I'm seeing.”
Now, as far as titles go, I suppose that is one I can live with. But what's the point of being boyfriend and girlfriend if you don't want to tell people about it? I went through a long relationship where the guy was very hesitant to tell anyone about it- even his family- not because he was afraid of how they'd react, but just because he didn't like the feeling of them being “in his business.” I couldn't stand it; it made me feel hidden, which led to worries of his unhappiness in the relationship and my inadequacy.
I know that these are my issues, not the Dreamer's, but if you're going to date someone, you also have to in some part date their baggage. I explained this to him, and he said he understood and wasn't trying to hide me. It still put a damper on the trip, though.
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