Sunday afternoon, the Dreamer came back over to help me assemble all the furniture we'd bought at Ikea the day before. It was amazing how well we worked together! I'm not used to working with competent people when it comes to assembly directions, that much was clear. After getting past my initial desire to bark orders at him, we worked pretty well as a team.
Watching a man get sweaty working with his hands threw my libido into overdrive, and I was barely able to wait until we were done with the assembly before dragging the Dreamer back to my bedroom. Strangely, it was almost a repeat of the day before- all oral, no actual sex. I'll tell you what, though, I am a lucky girl to have that problem. I've known too many men in my life that refused to go down on a woman- I'm making up for lost time. He finished on my chest (that's right, I went there!) and I was SHOCKED. I had to ask him, “is it this much every time??” Now I understand why he comes for so long.
When we were lying in bed afterwards, I brought back up the topic of not calling me his girlfriend. I apologized for getting so upset the day before that he hadn't told the new girl about me, and said I'd try to keep in mind that this is a totally new situation for him. I think my understanding in that situation was what allowed him to open up about what was really bothering him- having me be his girlfriend.
The way he explained it, while he is on board with polyamory in theory, it is hard for him to move past his preconceived notions of what a girlfriend should be. “If I have a girlfriend, I shouldn't be out with this other girl. Or if I am out with this other girl, than I don't really have a girlfriend. Or I have one, but I'm cheating on her. No matter what, it isn't good,” he told me.
“But you're happy in our relationship otherwise?” I asked.
“Very,” he said.
“Well then, I just won't be your girlfriend.”
He made me assure him that I was really okay with that, and I think I was. The more I thought about it afterwards, though, the more I had to wonder how much was about him being uncomfortable seeing other women while he has a girlfriend, and how much was just him being uncomfortable telling other women that he's seeing that he has a girlfriend. I still don't know the answer to that question, and I don't know how much it really matters at the core.
Regardless, the situation has me re-evaluating what being “boyfriend/girlfriend” really means to me. Is it about moving towards an eventual marriage? Wanting to move in together? Progress toward some end goal?
I don't know the answer to that, to be completely frank. I do know that the label holds some importance to me, but not necessarily in that I want to marry everybody who I want to be bf/gf with. For me, I think it's more that it is a place of honor- you aren't just one of the rabble that I'm dating, you're my boyfriend. It denotes a seriousness of the relationship, even if not in the monogamy/future marriage type of way. I think that to me it does signify a desire for intimacy and partnership, and even for a long-term relationship. I just don't subscribe to the notion that such a partnership has to end in marriage for it to have been worthwhile.
I'm a planner, and I always have been. It's just another of my conflicting gemini personality traits- I like to have very planned outlines, but fill in the middle spontaneously. Was it too early to think long-term with the Dreamer? Of course. But that didn't stop me from doing it.
He even addressed this when we were talking, when he told me that he knows I have certain big goals that I would potentially like him to be involved in, namely having kids. He said that he wants to know if it gets to the point where he needs to put up on those or move aside so someone else can fill that need for me, which I think was honorable, though a bit selfish. Basically it came across as “let me know at the very last minute so I can decide if it's something I'm willing to do.” Still, it's better than nothing. I'm happy with our relationship right now, no matter if it has a label or not.
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