Friday- Choking the Smurf

I'll admit, I went into the date already not in the best of moods, but I still wanted to give the guy a fair chance. We'd chatted online and talked on the phone once and I'd enjoyed them. So I ordered a glass of Sangria, put on a smile, and made the best of it.

Unfortunately, the best of it was that Sangria.

We went to a trendy cafe/bar/tea shop he suggested. When I got there, I discovered that it was a live music night. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but we somehow managed to sit directly below a hidden speaker. Every time the trio hit the chorus of their songs, the music got so loud it completely drowned out our conversation. That left us to stare uncomfortably at each other, waiting to be able to finish our sentences.

That is, when we had sentences to finish. We also spent a fair amount of time in that awkward silence where you both look at your hands and try to steal glances at your watch without the other person noticing. When we did find things to talk about, they were often disjointed and strange. At one point we got on the topic of Smurfs. Let me tell you, this man knew way too much about childhood cartoon characters. I tried to make that passing joke about what color does a Smurf turn if you choke it, and he had an actual answer! “Purple,” he said. “They had an episode once where a Smurf was choking, and it started to turn purple.”

Choking the Smurf just sounds like a bad euphemism for masturbation, if you ask me.

The problem was, this man was gorgeous. He's half Chinese and half white, and at least 6'2”. He had those impossibly broad shoulders, longish, tousled hair, and a huge smile. And he showed up in a motorcycle jacket and band tee! I just wish he'd had the personality to match the body.

The kicker was towards the end of the night, when he started talking about his ex-girlfriends. He started by telling me about the time he was making out with a girl at a party, and she bust out crying. I laughed uncomfortably, and I guess he took that as a sign of encouragement. He then began complaining about his ex-girlfriends that wouldn't put out.

Record screech.

Yeah, that's right. He might as well have come out and asked, “Will YOU sleep with me, or am I going to be complaining about you to a future date?” I don't think so.

So, Smurf Guy, you need to work on your skills. I even told him as much when I emailed him a few days (and two missed calls from him) later to say that I wasn't interested in a second date. He asked me why, and in the interest of sparing the world from yet another hot but useless man, I answered honestly. “You need to work on letting your personality show through [subtext: you are bland], work on finding common ground with your date to talk about [subtext: at least pretend like you're interested in them as a person], and don't complain about your exes on a date [subtext: seriously. Don't complain about your ex-girlfriends on a date!!!].

P.S. Anybody who likes Spiderman more than Batman should be immediately suspect. That's all I'm saying about that.